Why therapy?
When I made the decision to start therapy, I had no idea how long I would need, or what I really expected to get out of it. I imagine, like me, most people make the initial decision at a point in their life where they are literally overwhelmed. Often therefore, we haven’t made a logical, informed choice. Rather we are out of options, and we just “know” we need more. Some of you may be lucky and make the decision about therapy long before you reach crisis. This is the ideal scenario. But ideal scenarios are what fairy tales give us. And very few Disney characters are in therapy. Or so we think…. That’s a whole other story!
When I began my journey, I can almost remember the day, if not the week. I had to ring in sick at my work, and I spent the day, the morning at least, with my sister on a walk. It was the best therapy I had at the time. To talk to her while being out in nature. I was in a state of panic. My heart was racing, my chest was heavy and I was catastrophizing. The trigger was something that I was experiencing in the workplace, and I was sharing this only with my sisters at the time.
One of them suggested that I engage with a counsellor and this was how I came to start. I went on the directory of counsellors in my area and found the one that seemed to resonate most with my needs. However, as I mentioned at the start of this blog, I was not one of the fortunate people who got to organize a therapist with a logical calm mindset. I had to choose fast.
I am so lucky that my speedy choice led to what has now been a five-year relationship with the best trauma therapist I know (not stiff competition- I never needed to meet another one!). When we first started the work, I still had little clue what I was to get out of the sessions. I just knew that I needed to talk. To tell someone what was happening to me.
This was how we started. I talked. I told her what was happening to me at work. Then I talked to her about what happened to me when I was a child. I also talked to her about what had happened to my mother (jumping off the Humber Bridge). My therapist was getting a concise audio version of my autobiography- the “highlights”. But I wouldn’t get any prizes for my narration skills.
I later reflected on the initial budding relationship with my therapist, observing that at no point, during my chronology, did I exhibit any emotional distress. While I spoke to her of childhood abuse, sexual assaults, alcohol and emotional abuse, I might as well have been talking about a family holiday in an all-inclusive somewhere in Majorca.
The point I am trying to make (I think!) is that I thought therapy was going to be like confession. I would list all the things that have gone wrong, and the therapist would give me the sign of the cross, and a prayer, to heal all the wounds. It got me to thinking. What do any of us expect when we are starting therapy? What do we expect of the therapist? What do we expect of ourselves?
Do we think it will be as simple as confessing all the secrets and experiences we don’t share with anyone else, to the trained ear of the counsellor? Well, in short, yes, it is that. We could decide that every session is dedicated to offloading. And this can be exhilarating. However, here’s the bad news. There is more work to do, than just creating a therapeutic sound board.
If your therapist is worth her (or his) weight in gold, they will have the integrity and the skill to enable you to steer the journey in such a way that regardless of what your intentions are, or your expectations, the work will facilitate healing. What I mean is, the therapist will have a strategic way of providing direction in such a way that you think you have the metaphorical sat nav for each session. You might be holding the compass, but your therapist is your navigator for when the weather turns. And it will
Again, if your therapist is worth her (or his) value in diamonds, they will provide the necessary space for you to surrender the darkest, most painful corners of your subconscious. They will enable you to feel safe enough to explore and share the most intimate parts of your brain, the thoughts that wake you abruptly in the early hours, the shame, the guilt, the deepest held secrets you thought you would take to your grave.
I didn’t think any of this would happen and had I realized that some of the darkest things I was hiding would surface, I think I would have avoided therapy altogether. I didn’t think I was ready for that. I wasn’t ready! But my therapist held space for me long enough so that I became ready. And then the healing started.
I had wanted to skip straight to the healing. Don’t we all! Whenever we have something to “fix” we want a “cure”. I thought this until my therapist taught me that I don’t need to be “fixed”. That I am not broken. I am whole. I cannot be cured from myself. I am all of the parts of myself including the darker most painful. To “cure” part of me is to take away the true essence of me.
The therapy journey can start with a map of where you think you are headed. It never turns out to be the place you visit. Even if you put your post code in at the start, therapy will always take you the longer route, with the most roadwork and disruptions. There will be potholes and the streetlights won’t always work. But these journeys are where you start to discover the truth. Of whom you are. Of why you are.
Sometimes the therapist takes the wheel, so that you can focus on the view. This can be painful, especially if you are looking back. You only have a small mirror, and everything seems farther away, until the therapist takes her foot off the accelerator and you slow down. This gives you the time needed to adjust the change in perspective, so that you can study your past, and allow enough time to move through the pain and change the view from back to front, to front to back.
By investing the time and effort into therapy, you end up on a journey that you may want to continue with, beyond the initial goals you started with. Often when the therapeutic relationship grows, and the trust deepens, the healing is amplified. There seems to be less effort in each session because trust has been established. The therapist knows everything about you (and in this relationship, this is good!). There is no judgement. The therapist remains impartial.
In summary, the primary motivation for pursuing therapy often only becomes clear in retrospect. While the initial impetus may stem from a professional referral or a personal recommendation, the true objective is frequently revealed through the therapeutic process itself. It is only by establishing a clinical rapport and engaging in the journey that a client can uncover deeper insights—often addressing underlying questions that had previously remained unexamined.
