Versions of the Self
I have been spending the last 10 months or so building myself back up from some great losses in my life, and on this journey, I have learned a great deal about myself. This has been very insightful, and I have had to confront all the shadows of myself, as a step towards self-acceptance.
For so many years, I struggled with self-esteem, and self-love. In previous blogs I talk about my Complex-PTSD which has contributed to a lot of my self-doubt, fear, and inner turmoil. Growing up in an environment where there was abuse, danger, lack of security, has impacted on how I have developed from child to adult.
But I have always been determined, always showed up, worked hard, battled through regardless. What I realised, over the recent months, because of some major changes in my life, is that while I was strong, surviving, I was also denying myself the truth of who I am. I lived in a world where I coped, used strategies to deny those shadow aspects of myself and presented a version of me to the world that enable acceptance from others.
It has only been through introspection, meditation, and a journey of inner work that I have evolved into a new version of myself, allowing older versions to rest in peace, in the past, where they belong.
As my therapist has always told me that all those previous versions were essential facets of who I was and would become, they ensured that I survived and I have survived, but recently I’ve recognised that I want to move away from “survival” mode and step into thriving. For so long I have battled with the symptoms that complex trauma brings, addictions, lack of impulse control, difficulty with intimacy, and lack of boundary setting. I spent years carrying shame about my behaviours, which led to depletion in self-love.
Time passes by so quickly, and often we do not reflect in the moment. Instead, we continue with our lives, making the same mistakes, reacting in the same way. I feel like I have “lived” in my head for all these years without challenging my thoughts, without recognising that what my brain tells me is not necessarily true.
We all have a constant narrator in our head, a voice telling us how the world is, berating us, condemning us. But who is that voice? Aren’t we the observer of the voice rather than the voice itself? The ego is the powerful part of our mind that likes to sit in the driving seat, and keep us in a constant state of alertness, readiness for danger. Like an evolutionary alarm system to protect us. But the ego lies! We are not our thoughts. We are not that voice in our head, the one telling us we are not enough, that others are judging us.
I started to pay attention to my thoughts through meditation and slowly recognised that false narrative my ego was delivering. I listened without judgment, calmy observing the voice, and slowly I began to detach from it. I can’t shut it off, but I can and have learned not to react to it.
I also recognised that I have spent years ruminating, allowing my thoughts to paint my reality. I saw others according to my perception, and this wasn’t necessarily accurate. As I have become more self-aware, and focused on my spirituality, I have come to understand so much about myself. This new understanding has brought self-forgiveness which has probably been the most powerful change I have had.
We all make mistakes, and this is part of how we grow and evolve, but sometimes, through negative thinking, we don’t allow ourselves to grow past our flaws, our darker sides. Yet we all have traits that are less favourable than our virtues. It doesn’t lessen our value and standing in our truth and accepting our shadow self, is necessary for true happiness and abundance.
Ten months ago, something happened to me, that shattered all the elusions of who I was. It was a terrifying experience, that brought destruction, loss, and grief and I am still healing the wounds from this today. But, while there was pain, and huge loss, my truth emerged and for the first time, I stood in it and owned my authenticity. From that point, I became a new version of myself.
Now when I talk about different versions of the self, I am not referring to split of the personality, which is a different concept, and usually linked to a disease or condition. I am also not trying to use the notion of developing new versions of the self to remove or deny accountability. Instead, it is about evolving as an individual, learning to understand the heart, mind and soul, and to recognise the truth of who we are.
More importantly, I wanted to understand the truth of my own reality. I wanted to overcome my fears and to step into the present, to live in the now without regret from the past and anxiety for the future. This has been my goal for almost a year now, and as I invest in my own healing and peace, I let go of the older versions of myself. I let them go with love; they were all very brave and resilient.
The version of me I want to celebrate is one who lets go of shame, forgives herself for mistakes made, for decisions that were fear based, for allowing abuse to take place in favour of disturbing the equilibrium, for accepting poor behaviour from others, for reacting to battles that were not important, for holding trauma in and not speaking my truth.
Becoming your authentic self takes a great deal of courage and in doing so there can be losses. Others do not always accept the new version you want to become. Often their reality doesn’t accommodate an improved you. They prefer you to be stuck in your previous self, because it enables their version of the truth to be help up. Changing, improving and speaking your truth will often frighten, expose and alienate others because in doing so, you are forcing them to evaluate their reality, the truth of who they are, and who they surround themselves with.
This all happened to me, and at the time, I thought my world had fallen apart. Until now, when I look back and realise that it was all destiny, a divine intervention, forcing me to stand in my truth, to allow people to fall away, to accept alienation, in favour of the truth. I now see that I was living in a shame-based mindset. I blamed myself for the situations I found myself in, because of years of surviving a turbulent life. In the one sense, it is commendable to take responsibility for our life, but on the other hand, shame leads to the burden of others’.
When you start to improve yourself, loneliness is often the price you pay. For me, this was initially the most powerful emotion because of all the family members I lost. However, as I built myself back together, and opened my eyes to my truth, I saw much stronger relationships, that withstood all the drama. My friends remained steadfast, my husband a rock. I have grown closer to my in-law family who have provided amazing support.
When you experience a life changing event, it will either make or break you. If you are lucky and it’s the latter, take pride in knowing the resilience you have demonstrated, in the fact that not only are you still standing, but that you are truer to yourself, and you have more value in the people remaining in your life. They often say that your circle decreases as you get older. I agree with this and would go on to say, it is because you change and shed old versions of yourself, along with mistakes, with people who are no longer aligned with your truth, and with people who have hurt you and for years, been unaccountable.
