The Brave Journey of Therapy
As part of my journey of healing and self-love, I have regular counselling with a trauma therapist, where I learn about the effects that Complex-PTSD and how it impacts on my life, family, and relationships. I started the counselling in 2021, during a time when I was becoming increasingly overwhelmed by life, and this was impacting on my closest relationships, in particular the one I share with my husband. I’m not entirely certain that my mother’s recent suicide attempt (February 2019) might have been one of the triggers that pushed me towards therapy, but I imagine it was a contributing factor.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the trust, intimacy and surrender which is central to any kind of relationship. I’ve encountered battles with this on many occasions with my husband, but with the help of new skills learned in therapy, I’ve been able to open up more and explore the reasons for this with him. As I learn more about Complex-PTSD, I am increasingly stunned and proud that I have been able to participate in a relationship for this long! My husband is more emotionally intelligent and has a much healthier attachment style. He grew up in a safe and healthy household, enjoying a loving mother and siblings.
I have been reading about how trauma can affect close relationships, and there is a wealth of information about attachment styles which categorize how people with a history of childhood trauma connect with others. If an individual receives unstable early care giving, either because the love is inconsistent or missing, they develop insecurity in future relationships. Sometimes the care giver provides love and safety but also abuses a child, giving them inconsistency and fear-based attachment. This can create a paradox for the individual who seeks comfort from the very person who induced fear.
There is anxious attachment, where individuals are characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for reassurance, and discomfort with too much independence in the relationship. I resonate most deeply with the chaotic/disorganized attachment. As an adult I have definitely sought out comfort and intimacy, while simultaneously pushing it away and detaching myself from the surrender that true love demands. I spoke of this to my therapist, and later, my husband, describing a glass pane separating me from the very love or connection that I crave. My husband can be right in front of me with open arms and I can feel a million miles away.
When I was small there was inconsistent love, because of the absence of my mother, when she made attempts on her life. My siblings and I were frequently cared for by others while our mother recovered. Even when we were reunited with our mother, she was oftentimes drunk, or preoccupied with new partners, thus emotionally absent. Worse still, her fluctuating moods often exposed us to verbal and physical abuse. We were even exposed to sexual abuse because of lack of safeguarding, when parties took place in our household, and multiple boyfriends would stay over or move in for periods.
When I met my husband, we courted for three years before marrying, and then a year later, had children, a boy, then a girl a year later. During our marriage, we have experienced ups and downs, just like any other but there have been many external experiences which have impacted on our relationship. When I finally turned to therapy in 2021, I opened pandora’s box and while this was probably the most powerful and enlightening experiences of my life, it brought enormous upheaval and affected my marriage in ways I could never have anticipated.
If you ever decide to engage in therapy and commit to it on a regular basis, I will always advise that you have the necessary support systems in place ahead of reopening some deep wounds, and to ensure that you are surrounded by family and friends. Therapy has turned my life upside down while at the same time, stimulated healing and enlightenment. There have been times when I think back to the days before my counselling, and I was literally asleep, numb to my pain. This wasn’t necessarily healthy, but I was at least separated from my trauma.
As a result of ongoing treatment with my therapist, I am facing and living in my truth, as ugly and dark as it has been. I still have so much work to do and there are times when I feel like I will never recover from a lifetime of pain; that the toxic start I had in life, has forever tainted any chance of happiness. But I use all the resources I can find, to keep going, to hold on to the faith that I can be a better person, and to show up every day. My husband is a rock, and he has seen me at my best, and my worst. He has shown me unconditional love and withstood years of turbulence. Before being diagnosed, neither of us had the skills to be able to navigate the storms of a mental health condition. Since investing in a consultation with a private psychiatrist in December 2023, I was given the diagnosis of Complex-PTSD. Prior to this my therapist had already confirmed to me that I was showing all the classic signs. The only difference with her input is that she is not a diagnostician, and I wanted to get a definitive confirmation so that I could make sense of my own reality.
I am learning about the condition everyday and reflecting on my life as far back as childhood. There is so much self-doubt, and shame attached to the condition, and many sessions are spent untangling the emotions from childhood experiences which have influenced adult behaviour, which have then created a cycle of self-loathing, lack of impulse control, inability to set boundaries, lack of self-identity and internal crisis. Burying and ignoring pain leads to addictions and self-soothing, which then creates a sense of failure and guilt, which then festers and opens the door to toxic shame. It is like a knotted string or cord; trying to untangle one knot tightens another, and it feels like the cord will never be freed.
The longer past trauma is ignored, the more deeply entrenched it becomes in present behaviour, and it becomes difficult to hold on to a sense of self. Loss of identity is terrifying, and this can lead to total breakdown of self-worth and purpose. I have spent hours in therapy trying to strip back the layers of who I actually am. To be able to understand my maladapted self, and to let go of what no longer serves me and to stand in who I was always meant to be. I know that when I step out of the shame and darkness of who I thought I was, I begin to feel the warmth of hope, the glimmer of a truth of who I really am.
We are all flawed by the experience of life, and as we navigate the storms we don’t always choose the right path. This is what makes us human. But we are transformative, we can learn from the past, we can alchemize pain and be the change we want to see. If you are reading this, and you too, have been overwhelmed by the reality of life, whatever your experience has been, you too, deserve happiness and peace. But it starts with you. Forgiving yourself may be the most powerful journey you will take, and it then leads to inner peace and acceptance. I am still on the journey, but I have regular rest stops with my therapist and I am hopeful for the future. If you read this and would like support or more information, you can access local mental health services via NHS111 or your own GP or you can use the internet for resources. Please don’t suffer in silence. We all deserve to be heard, we all deserve to heal.
