Setting Boundaries
The three little pigs, living in their fantasy nursery rhyme for evermore, demonstrated the important life lesson of setting boundaries using the clever analogy of the different materials used as their defence, and the wolf in the story, depicting the various life experiences that threaten to disrespect our boundary setting. just how difficult it was for them to set their own boundaries against the big bad wolf. Healthy adults will set boundaries, to preserve their own wants needs and safety against a variety of environments; work, home, socially, in relationships, within contracts, over communications.
I would rather be Goldilocks in the story with the three bears, but I would have swapped the porridge for Weetabix. Sadly, this story lacks the point being made in this chapter, about boundary setting, so I will have to settle as being one of the little pigs. I would be the first, who built her house of straw, because my boundaries, like straw, never kept the wolf from my door.
As a child, growing up in an environment where my needs were neither met, nor tolerated, my nervous system had to make adaptions. So I paid little attention to my own needs, and instead, focused on whether my mother was crying, or staring off into the distance, unreachable. I directed all my energy into tap dancing around the egg shells that were never hoovered up in our household.
They say you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. You can’t build boundaries without chopping wood, or laying bricks. I had no axe and no cement. Like the three little pigs, my boundaries were fragile, and the wolf in my story, always blew mine down.
Without self-preservation, you learn to please others, at your own expense. You learn that the external environment must be controlled in order for you to feel safe. That if mother was smiling, and dressed that day, my world was good. I was making her world bearable. Just as the reverse holds the same principle; if she was sad, or unable to function that day, the responsibility lay on my shoulders.
A famous behavioural psychologist, Donald Winnicott generated the theory that caregivers, usually our parents, provide care to us, and tolerate all of our demands, no matter the inconvenience, or stress, or timing (i.e. middle of the night screaming). The infant should have a sense of freedom to express their true needs without worrying if this would overwhelm the caregiver.
If your core needs are not met and tolerated as infants, you may lose your authentic self. It has only been through intensive work with my therapist, and some research of my own, some 23 years ago as part of my nurse training that I began to realise that I was living my life, by designing it around the needs and expectations of others, people pleasing. In doing so I was guarding every room, maintaining its safety.
Like the guards outside Buckingham Palace, always stood to attention, ready for imminent danger from any direction, my nervous system was charged, primed and in gear, just less formal, and without the bear hat. And I was only guarding rooms, not palaces. and the threats just distorted messages sent via my subconscious, convinced there was risk of annihilation around every corner. This is one very important feature of Complex PTSD. There is permanent threat, and a lot of corners.
In the lonely rooms of my early life, my authentic self was slowly dissolving into the outlines of those around me.
As child development goes, I did the best with what I had at the time, and spent my youth experiencing the ups and downs, as anyone does. I worked hard at school, showed up for every lesson, passed every exam. I took A levels at college, passing these, going to into adult world of work, passing interviews, passing my driving test soon after. I ticked every box of success. Obedient workers are made from those who lack self-worth. Over achievement is a glass half empty, under achievement, a glass half full. Neither good enough.
Dutiful. Law abiding. People pleasing. Obedient. Filling all the spaces where the light didn’t reach. In every lesson taught to me from birth, a central theme was that I was not enough. And so began the attention seeking behaviours, ways to bargain for validation. To make my mother smile, would elevate my heart, to receive a nod from a father, as I dutifully finished my homework, would fill me with pride. But the brain is a complex and intricate organ, with its own rules. The nervous system does not discriminate between positive and negative attention. As I was one of my most violent lesson growing up.
If I shouted and screamed and combined this with the self-harm of biting myself, I was rewarded with the thrashing punishment of my mother’s hand. If there was ever a more fitting phrase for adding insult to injury, here it was. Quite opposite to the healthy scenario, depicted by Winnicott, where the infant or child naturally “plays up”, for no other reason than to hear its own voice, and the healthy caregiver responds with patience and love. This is the valuable lesson of boundary setting. The infant tests their behaviour, seeing how far they can reach before they may be chastised. This continues into the teenage years, and in healthy care giver/child relationships, the child builds up his/her own set of boundaries, knowing what is expected of her, but also knowing what to expect from others, to know that safety and love is a given. That the love of a parent is constant, and predictable.
I was shown that my worth depended on what I could bring to the table. And as I searched for my chair, I found only space, where not even my own shadow fit. I was shown that love was dependent upon a mother’s state of mind, whether she was sober or not, whether her most recent relationship was healthy or otherwise. Whether she was distracted by the stresses of normal life. The value I held in the world was conditional. That was my lesson, and I learned it well and scored 100% in all the tests life threw my way.
The lesson changed in 2024 when I experienced what I now know was a kind of spiritual awakening. I talk a lot about this in other blogs and it is a far cry from the rainbows and doves that one would imagine such an experience to be. As I started a period of healing, which involved self-isolation, silence, and reflection, I slowly started to find understanding about who I was, who I am. I began to grieve old patterns, relationships, and with them, versions of myself that were unaligned with who I really am.
Sometimes we can become blind to our truth, because of the ego, which presents the version of ourselves we think others will accept. We can easily lose sight of ourselves in the process and this was definitely the case for me. As I made the connections with my lack of boundary setting and my tendency to people please, I realised that this wasn’t who I was. I came to understand that there were so many deeper layers, I was so much more than the fragmented aspects I showed to others.
The combination of healing, learning to find myself, and accepting all the elements that make me who I am, allowed me to build self-love, and with it new boundaries about who I share my truth and life with. I have been able to repair the layers of protection that for so long, I allowed to crumble. I am still a working progress but I am becoming more confident in my own skin, learning to let go of those who no longer align with my truth. I am building boundaries that ensure that I surround myself only with people who trust and respect me and who mirror the loyalty and love that I give out.
Creating healthy boundaries helps to foster safe and nurturing relationships and there are many ways to learn and develop your own, especially if you have grown up in a disorganised childhood. It’s never too late to invest in yourself and if you are interested in learning more you can search online, for reading material about boundary setting, or you could engage with a therapist either through your NHS GP, or via the internet, using a list of local counsellors in your area.
