Moving from Attachment to Detachment
When we are born, we separate for the first time, from our mother, via the cutting of the umbilicus cord. However, from that moment (if we are lucky of course) we attach to our mother, skin-to-skin, or on the breast, or both. We then develop (again, if we are lucky!) a close bond with our mother. Sometimes this may be replaced by another care giver depending on the circumstances, but the emotional attachment is created for survival of that infant.
From that moment of life, right from the start, our nervous systems and our reality are geared towards attachment. We rely entirely, in the first months of life, on the care provided to us by another. As we grow and develop, if we are supported in a healthy, stable and safe environment, we develop healthy attachments and learn to transfer this to other relationships and bonds.
In the work I have done with my therapist, and research, articles, pod casts I have focused on, exploring what happens when this process is disturbed, I reached a deep understanding of disorganized and chaotic attachment, which has manifested in relationships throughout my life.
I have recognized that this has been a result of a very disorganized childhood, where safety, stability and nurture were lacking. I have written blogs on this, to demonstrate the links with early childhood trauma and adult relationships. As I develop a deeper understanding of spiritual awakening, to push myself forward on a healing journey, I have been able to reflect on my attachments and whether, in fact, I can “let go” of all that no longer serves me.
This subject was always focused on Complex-PTSD, not least because I have been diagnosed with this and wanted to know as much as possible about it. However, as part of my ongoing journey, I have strived to overcome lifelong obstacles, to challenge old ways of thinking, to reflect on previous coping mechanisms and to see my world, reality with a new perspective. This is where my spiritual awakening fits in.
There are many reports of people experiencing spiritual awakening, and much to my surprise, oftentimes it wasn’t all light and love and white clouds and doves. For many, this brutal shift in one’s reality, forces the individual to “remember” their purpose. That is, the soul contract, signed before the incarnation, about the life lessons to be taken on. Sounds less scientific than I was always used to, but there were too many similarities to my experience that I had to learn more.
An awakening, in the spiritual sense, can come as a tower moment, where it feels like your life, your reality, is crumbling and it feels “out of the blue”. Like one moment life is on a specific trajectory, then it veers entirely off course. This has happened to me. I could say there have been many “tower” moments in my life, because there have been some horrific traumas, dating back to childhood and continuing well into adulthood. But this felt “different”.
In the aftermath of an incident, which started with a verbal assault, and resulted in the revelation of a much different and worse historic assault, I was forced into a period of isolation, which, on reflection, was the best thing that could have happened. In that time, instead of my usually reactive response to life events, I spent time in silence, processing so many experiences, making sense of myself and my growth.
I sat in pain, for weeks at a time. I sat in raw terror, not eating, sleeping, or relaxing. I sat in grief and sadness. I allowed all these emotions to pass through me and I learned not to resist them. I realised that I needed to feel, to experience and to grow. I started to open my eyes to a different truth. I began to see who I really am, and where I have come from.
I allowed myself to feel self-compassion, to forgive myself and to step into the presence of now. Only by doing this could I truthfully see the patterns of my life without judgment. My life purpose, I now see, was always to stand on my own, stand in my truth, and accept myself. This is not to say I am not destined to have loved ones, my husband, my children and friends. Instead, my soul contract was set about, to challenge my codependency, my tendency to attach to others, to seek out love, acceptance and validation from others.
It started before birth. I am a twin. My first lesson was the temptation to be “attached to another” from the start. I admit, as I now reflect on my childhood, I wanted to be a twin, I depended on my sister, I followed her, wanted the same experiences, friends, beliefs as her. I now see this, and I now recognize that young girl, seeking her purpose vicariously through this biological partnership. But the universe was trying to teach me even then, what I came to learn.
My twin was independent, stood alone, created separation from me at a young age. But I didn’t recognize this until this last year when I had the time to reflect and meditate. She chose a path that was different from me and I fell behind. It’s not criticism for either of us, rather a new shift in my perspective on my earliest relationship. Afterall, I met her before I met my own mother!
This lesson repeated over the years, an absent, emotionally distant mother, who’s tendency for suicide attempts forced me into the experience of abandonment, but who’s subsequent survival propelled me straight back to the codependency. The years as a single parent, and unstable partnerships, where I craved connection to an external source of love/safety/comfort.
I met my husband eighteen years ago, and we are still together. I think, of all the people I have ever known, he has seen me the most. Really seen me. He has witnessed every wound, every shadow, every behaviour, every scar. He withstood every breakdown, saw me shatter, and build myself back together. He has accepted those parts of me that others rejected. He has looked beyond my flaws and kept his faith in me. I know that he is a gift, he has been sent to me, via a divine intervention. We have the same birthday! We were born at the same exact time, three years apart.
We have built our lives together, and survived the turbulence that having complex-PTSD can bring. I have learned through him, the gift of acceptance, of peace, resilience. He has taught me so much, not least, the strength of another human being. I am so proud of him. He is a rock to my children and myself. He has been the lighthouse in my storm. Quietly shining, no matter the direction of the waves, or the force of the wind.
We now stand together, the waters are calmer, and we can start to navigate our journey, a future that we can design. I stand side by side with him, but detached too, in my own skin. Able to love wholeheartedly because I have accepted myself. Our marriage has transformed in the last year, for the better. Even our children have noticed a difference. Sometimes life-changing events, losses, and instability give way to transformation, even when we are losing our faith. But it is through the rubble and beyond the chaos that a new perspective starts to manifest.
Spiritual awakenings are magnificent, but catastrophic. Don’t be fooled into thinking you will see rainbows and butterflies. You may see dark clouds, and thunder. But beyond every storm comes the calm, peace and the restoration. It is in this stillness that we then finally know ourselves.
