Managing My Panic in Real Time
This is how it feels in the middle of the awful fight/flight/panic state that Complex-PTSD causes. I have had symptoms all my life, and over the last year, because of a variety of stressors, the symptoms have heightened. I am experiencing episodes that last much longer, and I am finding it much more difficult to calm myself back to centre. This feeds into the panic and starts a sensation of hanging onto a life raft in a stormy ocean. I am hanging on for dear life, waiting for that purchase to pull me back to safety. But it’s not coming, and all I can see are waves, thrashing against me, pouring over and into me, and pulling me into the dark beyond.
As I write these words, my heart is filled with concrete; now and again, a heartbeat seems to reverberate through my body, and the heavy sensation invades my limbs and pulls me further into the dread. I am trying so hard to manage what I am thinking, to stop ruminating, catastrophizing, and dwelling. I no longer recognise if the thoughts come before the dread; now the emotion drives the thinking. I am in a vicious circle, desperately waiting for regulation.
Writing is good for grounding, and this is why I am doing it now. It may not be my best writing, but it’s powerful because I will, one day soon, look back and understand that I am capable of carrying on, fighting through, never giving up. I have no choice, and sometimes that too causes panic; the thought that if I cannot face the day, I can’t work, so the bills won’t get paid and so on and so on, the train of dread speeds by.
As my daily thoughts keep bombarding me, infecting my body and emotions, I promise to whoever is you might read some books, blogs, articles, or watch a podcast, where someone describes all the ways to treat a mental health condition. My words are showing you how I am treating my state of panic, despair, abject fear, and loneliness right now. Sometimes you have to stop, abandon all distractions, and sit in the pain. Feel it. Turn into it. I have no choice, it’s all around me, inside me, outside of me.
Journaling brings life to the pain and allows it to be validated. Even if nobody else reads it, the letters, the words, the sentences, bring to life what is taking up space inside my mind. I want to free myself from the clutter of all my thoughts. I want to shine a light through all the rubble, and find myself at the end, sitting peacefully, waiting for me; what took you so long, I will say. Worry not, I knew you would get here in the end.
I am visualising my future self, who has gone through all this sorrow and pain. She has survived to share her story and stand tall. I am the inner child, reaching out to her, begging her to take my hand and keep me safe. I know she can, because she has done it before. But I have lost my way again; everything is in the dark, and I can’t see the path ahead. I’ve lost the teddy that kept me so safe, and now I feel lost, with nowhere to put down this unbearable pain.
It’s going to be just fine, Grace. I had your teddy all along, and I’ve been keeping him safe until you caught up again. Here, come and squeeze him into your arms, remind yourself of the safety that surrounds you. No matter the past or the future, you are here right now. You are part of your own family now. One that you created with love, with your husband. They have seen your strength, they have seen your pain, and they see that you still keep going. You are resilient, resourceful, and you have a huge heart.
