Getting Out of My Own Way: Standing in My Truth
It was the year 2024 that I finally surrendered a lie that I’d carried for twenty-five years. The lie was living inside me; distorting who I was. In my experience, you may spend decades “asleep” to the fact that you have sacrificed your authentic self in favour of presenting a version that sustains the reality you want to be in. It sounds complicated, and it is! Let me elaborate.
At the beginning of 2024, I was still asleep, letting an older version of myself run the show. I was maintaining a life I wanted to be in, surrounded by my close and extended family, pushing down a past I had denied them all the truth of. By the end of 2024 I had woken up.
It felt so sudden at the time, and in many ways the circumstances were beyond my control. It still feels like a force of nature, a divine intervention stepping in my path and forcing me to show my truth. On reflection, and with a lot of therapy since, I realised the inevitability of the moment when the version of me others saw, crumbled.
Something happened to me decades ago, which changed the course of my whole life thereon after. It was an horrific experience, which left me crippled with shame, self-loathing, and fear. It stripped me of my self-respect, it made me feel “dirty” and unlovable and I couldn’t tell anyone. I buried these emotions. I buried the experience. I continued my life. To speak of it would mean huge loss, and the breakdown of all my family. I know this because when it finally did come out, this is exactly what unfolded.
The human brain has the capacity for astounding adaptability and to survive, is able to protect the individual from great hardship and trauma. I know this from all the learning in my trauma counselling. There is a theory, developed by Dr Jennifer Freyd, Professor of psychology, called betrayal blindness. This theory describes the ability of the brain to literally “know” and “unknow” a truth simultaneously, if the former is too unbearable to comprehend. For example, if a woman is violently attacked in her home repeatedly by her husband and remains due to no escape, she might stay in the relationship, focusing only on the moments of reprieve. Her brain literally dissociates from the trauma in order to continue in the relationship, justifying the calm moments in her life as the reason for staying.
I questioned how I could have lived so long in a reality where I simultaneously knew and unknew my experience. Dr Freyd’s theory really helped me to make sense of my behaviour. Furthermore, having read about complex-pTSD in more detail for my book, I learned about the mechanisms of dissociation, and how powerful this is for the brain, in order to overcome horrific situations and experiences.
There were moments over the years however, that my truth tried to creep out, almost like I was pushing it down, and every now and again, I had muscle fatigue, and the brief relief gave way to confessions. I told my own mother, very shortly after it had been happening but she had her own mental health battles, and the truth was distorted by drink and Bipolar. I think she berated me at the time, even blaming me. I also told a friend during a night in, 17 years ago, and years later, another friend, during the lockdown. By far the biggest and most therapeutic revelation was to my therapist, in the first year of my treatment which became central to most of the subsequent sessions.
Going back to the circumstances of 2024, via a chain of events that were beyond my control, the unknowing suddenly became knowing and I spoke my truth out loud. This fractured and broke my family. I am convinced that this was a divine intervention, that a higher source needed me to step into my truth, to become myself again. For so many decades I hadn’t been, I lost who I was.
When you change the story of who you are to accommodate others, or allow a version of yourself to dominate the relationships with others, you embody a false self. Over time, you start to lose who you were before, and eventually, you forget which parts of you are real and which are adapted behaviours, designed to please others. I wasn’t conscious of this process, and only on reflection, through research and therapy, have I now recognised that I was lost, under the rubble of pain.
It has been more than eight months since I surrendered a twenty-five-year load and along with this laid to rest the old version of me. She got me through the hardest years of my life, so I don’t let her go without gratitude. But I do say goodbye with conviction, she was not who I am. I am not talking split ego, or relinquishing responsibility. This would be a great “get out clause” for all the mistakes I ‘ve made along the way! This is about redirecting accountability to the person who reaped the rewards of my lack of boundary setting, my binge drinking and my chaotic and disorganised attachment style. I continue to make great efforts for self-improvement and to invest in my relationships, to learn from previous behaviours. I am fostering new and healthier coping mechanisms, and learning more productive ways to self soothe, to cope with the ups and downs that life inevitably brings.
For so long, I have not allowed myself to be free of what happened to me, perhaps subconsciously living in constant shame and fear of it. This last year, I had let go. It took a while, I was unsteady, like a small child, finding her feet, and stumbling as she started to walk, uncertain but free for the first time, to choose her direction. Many a morning I’ve woken, shrouded by anxiety and grief, about whether this new “me” will survive. Who am I? What do I want from life? What are my strengths?
During the last eight months, after the lives of my family and I changed forever, the fall out almost pulled me under. I was emailed and texted repeatedly, all my inboxes full of vitriol, even my husband’s phone and email were bombarded. I was even reported to the Children’s Social Services, similar words relayed to them. Luckily the case was closed within a few hours, unfiled. My character was reduced to a selection of the worst and most negative words, each one piercing my already broken heart. I believed these words, at first. I fell victim to the attack. I was vulnerable, in a place of no man’s land, stripped of the old self, waiting to find out who I was. This is the part I think they talk about in movies, where we “find ourselves”. Only it took me a long time, and it wasn’t romantic or pretty.
Standing in my truth, finding my authentic self has taken more effort and transformation that I have ever experienced. I lost myself for so long, in a version I showed the world, that wasn’t me. A version I have left in the past, with the lost relationships. I visualise her now, being thrown to the vultures, her body being torn apart by the vicious tongues of hate and judgment. I feel free now but this freedom came at such cost and to sustain it I have had to work so hard, to let go of what others think of me, to accept that others do not accept me, that I am forever in judgement. Because letting go, means accepting this reality, and moving forward to reclaim my energy.
When we spend our lives focusing on what others think of us, whether we are worthy, whether we stand up to their values, we begin to lose our authenticity. One of the most powerful things we can learn, is to be ok with not being liked. It is so empowering and freeing. In my case, I had been living a life that wasn’t aligned with my own needs and values. Instead, in order to fit in, I abandoned the much needed healing and support I subconsciously craved.
I have now moved out of my own way, and am now starting to feel the experience of my true self. I have gone through hell to get here. I don’t want to take that journey ever again! However, I realise now, I needed to in order to “find myself” (another cliché!). As I dust off the rubble of the last 8 months, and allow time for grieving, something magical is happening. I am slowly recognising a lighter sensation in my body. I have an increased sense of self-acceptance, daring to forgive myself for all the past behaviours and choices that were not aligned with who I really am.
I had many conversations with my therapist, and one stands out now, when I consider forgiveness. If you have committed a wrong doing, just as with a crime, there should be a consequence, in the law a penal punishment. But the punishment fits the crime, right? My therapist once asked me how long I planned to feel “guilt” for my wrongdoings (of which there are many, just like any normal human). I began to realise that unless I changed my mind set, and let in self-compassion, I would punish myself until the end of my life. One of the “crimes” was never mine to be sentenced for, but for decades I blamed myself.
I have time served. Now I can accept myself, warts n all and embody the person I’ve hidden away for so long. I am so grateful for the work I’ve done with my therapist, and the faith my close family and friends have had in me. The cloak of shame I wore for so many years is lifted, and underneath my light is finally showing. The me of 2025 is not perfect, far from. I am a working progress. I am reviewing my values and beliefs and really focusing on what my life purpose is. I know that one of these is to learn from my past, and to avoid repeating old behaviours (hard but possible with the help of my therapist). I want to show up every day for the people left standing in my life (the head count is much less as of the last 8 months). I want to say goodbye to the past, to the people who didn’t believe me, or believe in me, and I want to let go of the pain that for years, infected my sense of self.
Standing on my own two feet for the first time in my life was, at first terrifying. Guided by my therapist, I realised I was letting go of anxious attachment bonds, trauma bonds, to people I had known and depended on for validation all my life. Suddenly they were gone. My counselling sessions allowed me to process these losses and recognise them for what they were. Understanding my co-dependency enabled me to face a future on my terms. I had lacked the ability to trust myself with life, with decisions and relationships. I am still working on the belief that I matter, that my voice counts.
As I stand in this moment (its all we have!) I have determination in my veins, I have light in my heart, and a new strength and resilience that will carry me to my next chapter. There is a theory that only when faced with true darkness and tragedy do we experience true happiness and joy. I am living proof of that. For anyone reading, who has continued this far, your journey may be similar or very different. You may still feel trapped in the despair of pain and suffering. Let me be your lantern of hope, to illuminate that darkness. If I know one of my purposes, it is to help and heal. I trained as a nurse to invest in this desire to help others and now, turning my own pain into healing is a way that I can teach and inspire others, to give hope where there is none, to alchemize pain and suffering. I am very lucky that I have been able to seek treatment for a mental health condition that was born out of my suffering, and this is not always possible in the health service today. However, I will continue to write about my learning, my experiences, and welcome the voices of others, onto my website, to share experiences. We are all connected by a universal consciousness and sharing our joy and pain can lead to the path of healing.
