Day-to-Day Battle with Complex PTSD
I am inspired to write this blog, in this moment, today, as a way of transmuting pain. I have explored the idea of alchemizing pain in previous blogs and have always been determined to shed light on darkness, raise awareness of complex PTSD, and share stories of survival and recovery.
This past week hasn’t felt like recovery at all for me. Instead, I woke up one day with the frightening but familiar sense of dread. The best way to describe it to someone lucky enough not to have experienced Complex-PTSD is as the sensation of pure terror.
I usually wake up with that feeling, along with an internal monologue of self-sabotage, fear-based predictions of my future, and the berating voice of a critical parent from my past. Once it begins, it feels like an avalanche—no grip, and my body is thrown into a black abyss.
This body/mind reaction might apply to someone who has just experienced a sudden bereavement, loss, or major life event. The nervous system is very sophisticated when it comes to fight/flight/survival. However, for those who have been the victim of sustained and chronic trauma, where life has exposed them to recurring tragedy, loss, or abuse, the nervous system adapts.
Essentially, the body and mind (or ego) predict the future and its safety using experiences from the past. You can see why my fight/flight response is so efficiently mobilised without warning or meaning. My body recognises tiny cues, stimuli that my conscious mind doesn’t pick up on. It could be a sound, a scent, a conversation overheard, that was reminiscent of a memory. Before I can rationalise or apply logic to my physical sensations, the panic has set in, and no amount of logic can talk my nervous system out of its preparation for war.
But I don’t want to be at war anymore. I am focused on healing, recovering, and restoring. I write this, and each letter I type is a letter to myself, my future self. I am preparing for my next nervous system override: talking to my inner child, soothing her, and restoring order in her heart and mind. If you’re reading this, then I know I am not alone on the journey, especially if my words resonate. I continue to battle with complex PTSD, some days I have to put a bigger fight up, other days I am blessed with peace.
If you need support, if you find yourself overwhelmed and confused, frightened of some of the bigger emotions, you might benefit from some talking therapies. Please take that step and get help, either with your GP or 111 I hope that the blogs on my website help as well.
