Cognitive dissonance
According to the Oxford dictionary, this term is:
“the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change”.
Some of the signs of cognitive dissonance according to sources online are discomfort, rationalization, avoidance of contradictory information, defensiveness, shame and guilt. Thes examples have resonated deeply with the experience I have lived through, one which has shaken me to the core and caused a total breakdown of my sense of self.
As many of you may know, if I am lucky enough that you read my other blogs, I had an horrific experience twenty-five years ago, and, last year, disclosed it for the very first time, to my husband. The fall out was catastrophic. I had to report this incident to the police, but due to the historical nature, they could not fund further investigation due to lack of tangible evidence. Every day since, I have moved forward in my healing journey, reflecting not just on the last year, but all the decades separating me from the awful experience.
I am careful in how I describe what happened because of the laws of libel and therefore while it may be frustrating as the reader, I must be careful to avoid detail which would link individuals directly. It was during a therapy session that I was first introduced to the concept of cognitive dissonance. Last summer, I finally let go of a twenty-five-year secret, one which had been festering and poisoning my emotional and mental health, very likely contributing to the diagnosis of Complex PTSD.
There was never a plan to ever breathe word of what happened to me, and I knew that if it was ever spoken of, there would be enormous emotional upheaval. I remember just before I got married, the panic I experienced, knowing that I was about to make a profound promise to another person; to be faithful, loyal and whole (words to that effect) and yet I was going into the partnership with a secret. Even though in itself, it was not a betrayal to my husband, it was still something major that I was choosing to withhold from him.
Then and the years before and after, I sacrificed a part of myself, in the pursuit of concealment. I was convinced that I would take this secret to my grave. Each passing year added another layer of shame and self-loathing. Until that is, I started therapy. It took about two years to tell my therapist who it was, but I had described what happened well before this. After this I began what essentially felt like a life of duality, pouring out the pain of what had happened to me to my counsellor, while concealing it to all my family. This was the contradictory information listed as one of the signs of cognitive dissonance.
I remember receiving multiple emails, days (possibly hours) after I finally disclosed the truth to my family. In the emails, there was a long list of why I had to be lying. I didn’t read the email, but I could understand the disbelief. I too, wondered how I had managed to live in the close circle alongside this person, and behave as though nothing had happened, smiling, and socializing. Now I recognize the cognitive dissonance.
I also wrote a blog much earlier this year titled betrayal trauma and this phenomenon underpins some of the characteristics of cognitive dissonance. The theory suggests that if an individual has been subject to assault, abuse, torture, or trauma from an assailant, often, if the need to maintain the equilibrium, one’s safety, or that of other family members is paramount, that person develops an innate ability to separate the experience from the person. For example, for me to maintain the relationship I had with all my siblings, and for them to enjoy peace within their families, I simply had to ignore and bury what had happened to me.
As a child, I had to share this ability with my siblings, for events and experiences we all had as children, so I was an expert in the art of betrayal trauma. I created what I can only describe as an avatar. The individual who was the subject of my ongoing therapy, became ordinary, safe. I was able to exist in this reality easily, albeit with an outlet (my therapist) where the truth felt safe. To the outside world my (and his) secret was kept well and truly safe. Until it wasn’t.
There have been many times in therapy, that I have cried with the pain of loss, rejection, abandonment, and worse, not being believed. But each time I visited this issue, my therapist would remind me that it has never been that I am not believed. It is because the impact of the truth is so catastrophic that cognitive dissonance, avoidance, dissociation, has been activated. I remember grasping onto all the different ways I could or would prove what happened to me. I recall at one point, being accused of telling “lies” in response to being put in my place, by the person in question. So, I got a friend I’d known most of my life to confirm in a text, that I had told her this information seventeen years ago.
I also pointed out the rumour that, for more than twenty years, had circulated, which was almost identical to what I was reporting happened. Furthermore, I got a screen shot of the confirmation from my eldest son’s father, who had expressed his grave concerns at the time of what happened, recalling the times that he witnessed behaviour indicative of predatory behaviour. None of this evidence mattered. This is because of cognitive dissonance. As my therapist pointed out, even if I had a video footage revealing second by second detail, it would still be rejected.
Coming from a life of recurring and severe trauma, spanning decades, I can say with absolute certainty that one of the greatest sources of pain has been not being believed. Almost on a par with the experience itself. When I think about the details, or wake from a nightmare about the events as they are replayed in my mind, I have an overwhelming feeling of injustice. How can anyone say I am lying when I must live with these memories! How can someone take that away from me! The frustration of this is unbearable.
I desperately imagine a new age, AI invention, where our memories can be manifested and viewed by others! But then, as I try to calm my mind again, and restore some semblance of peace I realise that I need to surrender and accept a reality where the other person’s lie has trumped what happened. I’m still working on getting to this place of acceptance. I am determined and I know I have the strength. I am just working through so many wounds, scars, losses, and betrayal.
A small comfort I remind myself of, when I may be laid in bed, struggling with insomnia, is that I know beyond a shadow of doubt that the events of twenty-five years ago do live on, in the memory of the other person. When I think of this, I remind myself that no matter the vitriol I have received, the name calling, the rejection, I sleep at night knowing I told the truth. I am still standing, though my losses are huge, but integrity is priceless, and I have it and that cannot be taken away from me.
If any of this discussion has been distressing, or has triggered deeper wounds within you, please reach out, either to your NHS GP or via the 111 service and as always, look too, at online resources and sources of information.
