Anxiety
According to the National Institute for Clinical Excellence generalized anxiety disorder is:
“chronic, excessive worry which is not related to particular circumstances, and symptoms of physiological arousal such as restlessness, insomnia, and muscle tension.”
The latter part of this definition resonates deeply with my own experience of anxiety and is a key feature of complex- ptsd. These physiological changes within the body represent the fight/flight response, which is activated by the thoughts, which then lead to emotion and behaviour.
I have chosen to dedicate this blog to the experience of acute anxiety, not least because I think we all suffer, at some point in our lives, with this state of mind, but also because I have recently been overwhelmed by its evil.
Understanding anxiety and developing awareness of the mechanisms of anxiety can help reduce its debilitating nature. For any of you who have or continue to suffer, you will know just how frightening it is.
Last week anxiety came knocking at my door. I woke with it one morning, and for no reason it filled my every thought and movement. I carry it like a huge boulder, on my chest, feeling its weight while I clean my teeth, get dressed, walk down the stairs, smile at my children and husband. I try to distract from it by carrying out these day-to-day routines, but this silent presence fills every room.
Anxiety is the powerful energy that tugs at my chest, pulls at my heart and pounds in my head. Suddenly my outlook turns from optimism and hope, to dread and despair. My future changes, and I develop a distorted anticipation of doom, with no way out, no reprieve. This feeling drains every ounce of joy I previously cherished. No matter the beautiful weather, the birdsong, no matter the laughter and noise around me, the chatter of family, the excited barks of our dog, my wall of fear is impenetrable.
I become disconnected, like I am living in a life, a body, that I don’t belong in. I am playing the part of someone who should be happy. But I have lost the sense of that person, and inside, I am hollow. I forecast a future of loneliness, regardless of how many people surround me. Small tasks fill my chest with a sudden crushing dread, and I feel imprisoned by my thoughts. The voice in my head tells me that I am not loveable, I have no worth, I am not good enough. Another voice, smaller, quieter, tries to argue back. But there is no strength, only fear.
There are momentary distractions, a joke on the television, a text from a friend or a task I must complete. But within seconds the anxiety takes her place again, at the forefront of my mind. I want to cry. When there are no witnesses, I do. It turns the tap on to let some of the pain out. I don’t want my family to see, in part to protect them from my misery, but also because I have no words or explanation for how I am feeling.
There has been no apparent trigger, certainly not recently. Historically there are multiple causes for my anxiety, dating back to birth, and probably every year since, give or take. But I have grown each decade, shedding the skins of older versions of myself. I have achieved so many things in my life, created a beautiful family, home and a career my heart is fully dedicated to. There have been losses too, but this is part of life, nothing is permanent. Everything evolves, changes, dies, moves on.
When I feel overwhelmed, drowning in the depths of anxiety, I try to cling on to hope, to the logical reasoning I so often use with my patients. I become my own teacher, taking my own medicine! Although it doesn’t rescue me from my devastation in the moment, it keeps me from surrendering to the pain. I narrate advice in my mind, reinforcing words with simple statements. I tell myself I am safe. I hold a hand to my heart and soothe myself, the way I have been shown by my Trauma therapist.
I speak words out loud sometimes, repeating the phrase “this too will pass”. I also return to some of my favourite books and read passages which help me to reconnect to my spiritual beliefs, that every pain experienced, is learning and creating strength and resilience. These practices are simply keeping my head above water, while I weather the storm of acute anxiety.
So many of us suffer in silence, with no mechanisms to get through these dark times. I am so lucky that I have been taught many strategies from my therapist, and this was one of the main reasons for creating my website, so that I could share it with the world.
She makes the connections for me, with the pain and fear I experienced as a child, manifesting as unhealed wounds now. She talks about triggers which can be so subtle we miss them, which open a wound, from childhood. The anxiety and fear in the child’s heart were overwhelming at the time and thus silenced and buried. Then decades can pass, and an event, or an action can trigger the buried memory, waking up all the terror held in that small child’s heart.
When these phases materialize, we recognize the anxiety, the fear, pain, despair and it has the power to overwhelm our adult minds. Self-soothing is the practice my therapist taught me, which treats the younger version of myself. This also treats the nervous system directly, stimulating the parts of the brain that create a sense of safety and intimacy. I place a hand over my heart space, while rubbing gently. Sometimes I hold a panda teddy (remember a previous blog on this favourite childhood toy!). Essentially, by skin-to-skin contact, I am creating the closeness and reassurance that the young, frightened child so desperately needed. It is her pain that I feel now, today, decades later. It is unprocessed pain.
We all carry unhealed scars, whether from heart break, bereavement, loss, family breakdown, bullying, war. Most of the time we battle through, carry on getting up each day, putting a brave face on for the world, and have hope in our hearts for better times. But these wounds are carried with us, sometimes never being disturbed. Other times, a life event can tear open these scars, exposing festering pus and blood, filling our present with the unhealed wound. It is in those moments that we are catapulted back in time, where those emotions we either buried or suspended, return and shatter our sense of reality.
I buried so many painful memories, and only in the last ten months have I allowed myself to start processing them, with the help of my family and therapist. It has been the hardest time of my life, I suppose because I have had to re live these historical events, to process the emotions and heal. All while conducting myself as a mum, a wife, a nurse and a friend, and keeping a smile on my face. One of the biggest scars was the one I hid the most, for so long. When I took off the bandage to this one, it was the bravest act of my life.
There are so many ways to help anxiety, and I hope by reading my account, it has resonated with yours. We are all unique, our perceptions are based on our core beliefs and values, and we may experience fear differently, just as we may feel joy in so many ways. Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed by anxiety, the first thing to do is to create a sense of safety for yourself. That may be taking yourself to a familiar safe place, perhaps your favourite chair at home, or wrapped in your warmest blanket, next to your favourite view.
You might add to the sense of calm by stimulating your other senses, like smell. If at night you feel the anxiety, lavender can help and if you prefer, sound can help to calm the mind. I have a sound machine, which plays the frequencies of brown and white noise, and everything in between. Studies have shown that these frequencies help the brain waves and encourage a sense of peace.
Once you have created this space for yourself, this can be your opportunity to practice mindfulness. You may already have this skill, in which case you can meditate, either using guided therapy, or in silence. My therapist reminded me, that with complex-PTSD sometimes meditation is not the preferred treatment and instead “shaking” out the body can often rid the nervous system of pent-up energy. Remember that everybody has different needs, so you can tailor your practices according to your own needs.
As I have mentioned in other blogs, I enjoy collecting and holding crystals and stones, which carry a frequency, energy of their own. A very close friend bought me a dictionary of crystals along with the meanings each has, and I use these too, for my own sense of safety and healing. If you’ve ever heard of the placebo effect, for those who don’t believe in the work of crystal therapy, if you have faith that they do, then the benefits will be the same!
There is also a place for pharmacological treatment in anxiety and there are numerous medications, which are evidence- based for the use of generalized anxiety disorder. As with all my blogs discussing medical issues, it is imperative that you first seek medical advice and get the right advice on any mental health concern. My website is guidance and personal insights, and not to replace the importance of having an individualized clinical assessment from your registered practitioner.
I hope that by showing you my experiences with anxiety, it has created an opportunity for you to being the journey of recover for yourself and to provide hope for healing. Anxiety is a natural state of mind, but for many of us, it starts to impact on our lives daily, and this is when we need to reach out and ask for help. Take that first step here, today, now. My website might be your first step, and I hope that you have many more, and that your path leads to the restoration of joy and peace.
