What makes us Human?
I believe that in life, we all live to learn, develop and contribute something to society. The degree to which we achieve any of this depends on our own personal journey, and our unique personality. In the pursuit of knowledge and developing life skills we will inevitably make mistakes along the way. This is one of the best ways to learn!
At the age of almost 51, I have made many mistakes, some of the heart, some practical some in choices made over the years. During the last four years, with the help of therapy, I began to let go of the shame-based emotions that held me back and tied me to previous versions of myself.
Imagine you have a Russian doll, and each version of yourself grows over time, to be replaced by a bigger version (metaphorically speaking, hopefully!). When you look back over those aspects of you, focus on how you feel about them. Do you have regret? Do you feel shame? Or do you have self-compassion?
As part of my healing journey, I recognised that, when I reflected on the younger parts of myself, I was the biggest critic. I berated the chaotic decade of my twenties, I frowned upon the times when I partied hard, drank too much, and failed to keep myself safe. I judged my relationships, blaming myself for any turmoil, or arguments.
What a burden to carry. To live each day, punishing yourself for previous mistakes, to ignore your own humanity, to deny yourself the grace that comes with forgiveness. In all these years, it has only been with the help of my therapist and a lot of introspection, that I have realised that all of my life choices, the good and the bad, have led me to where I am right now.
In fixating only on where I had failed, and believing the words and accusations of others I had created a false belief that I am was good enough. This was reinforced when I was rejected, and more so when my truth was ignored. I have mentioned in other blogs, the experience of being judged by those people who claim to know us the most (usually family that we have grown up with).
Last year, after a major fracture and subsequent end to the relationship I had with my sisters, the months that followed involved a tirade of abuse, lists of events, behaviours and a personality attack spanning the last twenty or more years. As I worked through self-compassion and forgiveness, I started to realise that my past was the source of attack and that I would never be free from it, in the eyes of those family members.
My past behaviours were even used to defend their belief that I was lying, thus re writing history to suit the illusion that kept their beliefs safe. I have worked through so much grief in the last year, including the rejection, the breakdown of these relationships, but also the grief of not being believed. As I get stronger, I have been able to change my internal dialogue. I have been able to quieten the internal critic.
The new beliefs I am building about myself are much healthier and more positive. I am building self-love, and this has allowed me to soften the feeling of loss. I recognised that just because I was on a journey of self-discovery and improvement, there would always be other people who need to pull you back, to keep you in the old version of yourself, to remind you of your failings. In my situation, this is the only way that their version of the truth can have any power.
What started as huge loss, has become transformative. For so long, I remained stuck with old patterns of thinking, old habits and coping mechanisms. Once I was forced onto the path of healing, every belief I held onto about myself and the world was challenged.
I started to view my past with different eyes. I began to recognize the strength I had demonstrated, during some of the most difficult life events; relationships breaking down, single parenthood, stress of training to become a nurse while juggling three jobs. The focus moved away from the belief that I was chaotic and irresponsible, to the belief that I was using all the resources I had at the time and doing the best I could with what I had.
As the narrative of my inner critic changed so too, did my emotional state. I saw the clouds of uncertainty, self-doubt and self-loathing start to clear. I was starting to see my achievements, my successes, and the hurdles that I had overcome along the way. A child born into chaos, instability, and abuse, I defied the odds by making something of my life. Getting pregnant at 21 and soon after, becoming a single parent, did not deter me. I still achieved my nursing qualification.
I juggled being a single parent with working full time and completing a degree. My son and I lived in rented accommodation, but we had a roof over our head, a warm meal every day and a car to get us where we needed to be. By the time I met my now husband I was raising my son to be a fine young boy, and my career was shaping up just as I wanted. My bills were always paid, I had no debt, and my son and I soon became an expanding family when my husband and I had two children of our own.
And here I am now, children growing and becoming amazing young people, working in my dream job, having passed my master’s in advanced practice, and owning not one but two properties. I could never have imagined that this would be my reality. But something inside me always strived to keep on going. With an evolving perspective, which has been shaped in part, by the work with my therapist, I have realised just how strong, independent and resilient I have been.
Where before I called myself chaotic, emotionally unstable, and firey, I now saw the passion, the fierce bravery, and survival skills. I never gave up. I worked hard every day. I survived all the adversaries, the abuse, the chaos. I got through it. And now, four years into therapy, I am healing all those versions of me who faced the world alone, frightened, unsure.
The only person we ever need forgiveness from, is ourselves. If we wait for the acceptance, forgiveness or approval of others, we give away our power. Some people do not want to see us succeed because this would contradict the version they have of us. To see us fulfil the negative words they described of us, helps to keep their version of us alive.
I am good enough. For me. For my family and for my friends. I have made a difference in the world. I make myself proud. These five short statements have taken four years of therapy, a great deal of reading, a whole river of tears and a few trips to my doctors to be able to say with conviction. I still have work to do, not only for myself, but for the family that I still have. I have a responsibility to show up as the best version of myself because others rely on me. My children look to me for security, safety and guidance.
I am a working progress. We all are. There is always room for improvement, and we should all be kind to ourselves, as well as to others. We know not what the burdens are that others carry. We don’t know how it feels to be that person. I try my best to show empathy and to pause before I judge. I admit that once upon a time, I was quick to form opinions about other people, the choices they made. But now I am more mindful. I have been taught a very harsh lesson this last year, about how it feels to be judged. It is horrible.
We are all here through no choice of our own, but we must make the best of what we have. Life can be hard, and having a compassionate and forgiving heart can make the world a better place. It can also make your internal reality a more peaceful place. If you struggle with any of the issues raised in this blog, please reach out, you can email me, or you can ring your NHS GP or go online and look at mental health resources.
