The Truth Shall Set You Free
….and the truth shall set you free.
I am finally free
When you are living in your truth (at last) you don’t have the urge or the need to convince others.
Let me illustrate this with a personal experience I have shared in other blogs regarding trauma. I have altered many details and the language to protect the privacy of those involved, as there were legal proceedings connected to the event.
I found myself in total disarray and confusion after a sudden, unexpected fallout with a person with whom there was a lot of history. This history was buried, and neither of us spoke of it for twenty-five years. I have a good idea why the other person kept quiet, but for me, after four years of therapy, I recognised that I had denied this experience. My nervous system had ensured that the trauma was filed in a place that was “no access”.
My therapist has since helped me to understand that with trauma, these memories, which are so often too painful to process, are stored differently in the brain. The emotions at the time are frozen; the narrative (the memory) is then detached, and the two become fragmented. This meant that I could function for decades without really having to remember my experience.
Leading up to speaking my truth, I had been working on my mental health by using a trauma therapist (I still see her) to process some of the current mental health symptoms I was experiencing. Life was much safer now, I told her, but I was confused as to why I was experiencing unpleasant and often frightening sensations and dreams. Over four years of booking regular sessions, I became more attuned to what trauma was. My therapist explained to me that I exhibited all the features of complex PTSD, which led to a diagnosis from a Consultant Psychiatrist in December 2023.
When I first revealed to my therapist what I held back from my family, she had no judgment (of course) and she didn’t press me for details or question the validity of what I said. My truth was accepted. I hoped that by sharing my pain and experiences in the safety of therapy, I would be able to move forward. Sadly, this was just the beginning of my healing journey.
I had opened the metaphorical flood gates to my therapist while hiding it from my family. I think eventually the flood became a Tsunami, and in June 2024 the damn broke.
The person who was central to a historic abuse confronted me, humiliated me, and scolded me for my behaviour in front of all my family. The hypocrisy of this was just too much. For a week, I remained silent, becoming increasingly overwhelmed by the desire to seek justice. Then, via a chain of unpleasant communications, I finally gave up my twenty-five-year secret. My truth came out, at the time, like projectile vomit, with no direction, no control, and unexpected.
The most valuable lesson I have learned during and since this period is that we cannot control what others think. We cannot control the thoughts, values, or beliefs of others. We can only control ourselves. When I consider the experience as described, I realise that my truth doesn’t become less real or less true because others have not accepted it. I talked with my therapist about this, and she had more specific advice. She explained that sometimes, it isn’t so much that my truth is not believed, but that to believe it would impact that person’s reality.
It took me hours of therapy and tears shed at home with my family and close friends to slowly accept what had happened. Not only was I grieving the loss of loved ones and reliving a horrific experience, but the truth of that experience had been rejected. Worse still, all the words that would be fitting for the person involved in the historical trauma were directed towards me.
Another significant lesson I have learned over the last year is self-belief. The ability to evolve beyond the version of myself that others have built up, to overcome the limitations that this version created for me. I believed I wasn’t good enough, creating a paradox of attracting those who treated me like I wasn’t good enough. In life, the energy we give out, we get back, but this is incredibly hard to break free from. I had to work hard to let go of the need to be validated. I had to set free the desire to be believed. This has been the hardest and most painful lesson of all.
These lessons have taught me to let go. I didn’t get closure. There was no golden opportunity for me to express my truth. I am enough. I can live with my truth because it is just that.
For so many years, I was troubled, chaotic, impulsive, unstable, and I didn’t recognise the underlying reason. After therapy and experience, I realised that I wasn’t aligned with my truth. Remember, earlier I explained that others may not accept the truth if it challenges their reality. I now see that my truth, what happened to me, was too grotesque for me to acknowledge, and so I chose to ignore it, deny it, and turn away from it.
The version of me that did that was damaged and fractured. She just needed the right direction and support. Starting my therapy set off a chain of events that, while horrific, set me free. So, in the words of Jim Carey, in Liar Liar:
“….. and the truth shall set you free!”
Never a truer word spoken!
If you are experiencing any pain as a result of trauma, or historical abuse, or you just feel like you need to talk to someone, please reach out to your NHS GP or NHS 111. If you ever experience a mental health crisis, please ring 111 and ask for the Crisis Team in your area.
